Panic

Well we said we’d talk about the mental illness issues we deal with, so here’s one of those posts.

I had a panic attack today. I’ve never had one before. I’ve been on an anti-anxiety medication for about six months, mostly to prevent this from happening, but its been building for awhile. I’ve been very stressed with whole transmission issue and today it came to a head.

This morning, the mechanic was supposed to be here at 10 or so. At 11:30, I tried texting and calling him to see where he was and didn’t hear anything back. About fifteen minutes later, he got ahold of me on Facebook and said they had a storm last night and he had been up since 4am cleaning up fallen branches and brush. They live in their RV full time as well, so I assume there was a lot to do for his trailer. A little while later, he told me he and his wife were coming up tomorrow, bringing their travel trailer, and they’d be staying the night and getting the transmission done. I thanked him and told him not to worry about it.

Then we were talking about how we liked it at this campground and this area of the country and how it would be nice to stay for awhile. I started looking up places we could stay long term, sending emails, contacting on Facebook, trying to figure out the cost per month. I got some answers back and most of them were about the price we would be paying for gas to drive around each month, so it wasn’t really a benefit.

Then it hit me. My heart was racing and my arms started tingling. Thoughts were running through my head about what we would do if something went wrong, or the transmission fix was more expensive, or anything else catastrophic. I posted on a couple of groups asking for help and someone to talk to. A couple people responded and gave me some advice. Tiffany turned off the 90s rock music and put on a meditation music. I shut down.

Tiffany had fortunately cleaned off the couch, so I laid down, covered my eyes from the light, and stayed there. I couldn’t sleep, but it was still relaxing. That was around four o’clock. I didn’t get up until 9. After about two hours, the panic subsided. The tingling in my arms faded and my chest stopped pounding. I feel better now, not 100%, but better.

Here’s the hard thing about anxiety: there is no logic to it. The mechanic is coming tomorrow to fix the transmission. We have food, electric, water, and a place to stay for a full two weeks. We are not rushed. People here have been fantastic. One couple stopped by today to ask how things were and if we had gotten the transmission fixed. We needed change to do laundry, and the campground actually drove me to the closest gas station so I could get some cash and quarters. The security guard stopped by to give us our paperwork and see how things were going. We had a conversation with a woman while doing laundry about cellphones and RVs.

So yeah, things should be fine. We don’t have any pressing issues, we have a home and things are in a good place. But that’s the thing I want you to understand about anxiety. Its not logical, it doesn’t make sense, but it still hurts like hell and is debilitating. I know everyone gets stressed out from time to time, but for people like us, it is really bad. It feels like the world is ending even though it isn’t. It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t attack at times that are convenient.

Here’s hoping tomorrow goes better.

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